My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
