He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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