I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
