Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
