First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
