for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
