I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
