cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
