when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
