If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
