A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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