How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
