i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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