So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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