Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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