Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
my liver is dry heaving
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
