There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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