Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
