btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
