i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
