I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
