Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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