that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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