does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
