I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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