im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
