I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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