dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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