Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
