Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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