Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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