I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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