I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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