Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
