a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
