My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you traded sex for a burrito?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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