I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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