How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
