my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
you had me at cake vodka
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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