Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
