i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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