my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
