why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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