I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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