my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
