I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
