Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
