i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize