3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize