there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
