i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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