Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
