The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
