if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
