be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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