dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
