apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
