Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
