We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
